I would like to share my dream that I sincerely felt I was going to accomplish until our house sold. I volunteered at the La Quinta Art Festival and had the privilege of spending a day with one of the judges. In our get acquainted chat she asked to see my work and of course out came my phone. She told me I should apply for the festival and I replied I am not good enough. She assured me I am and gave me hints on how to get accepted. Turns out she is one of the judges that chooses who is in and not. I walked around on cloud nine repeating 'I am good enough'!! My goal was to start my inventory and begin applying for next year. I looked up what licenses I need and canopy prices etc. I really felt I could do this and was so excited. Here are a few of my latest pieces...
So here it is the other big news...almost exactly 5 years from when we bought this house in La Quinta we have sold it. I feel sad about it only because I was so sure this would be our forever home. We both still really love our floor plan, yard, and location for sure. We just cannot take another day of living so close to annoying rude neighbors, speeding cars in front of our house and the social cliques. I am not bitter just ready to move on and be in a less negative environment. The past 5 years have changed me as a person and I am still not comfortable with the new me. I have had so many people I thought would always be in my life decide I was disposable, or feel a need to hurt me. I am finding it so difficult to get my heart to engage with people now as if I am expecting to be disappointed. I have been told in the past I wear my heart on my sleeve and I was comfortable with it. Now my heart is under lock and key and the apathy seeps into my outlook on life. Maybe our next journey will show me the way to care and take a chance on people again. I hope so.
That being said...we are busy packing, selling and tossing as we close in 3 weeks. I worry we are behind schedule but we have always accomplished the vacate on time in the past. I feel like we are a woven tapestry and as we pack we are slowly unraveling our life together. I seem to not care about the sentimental bits and pieces as much and able to throw away or donate things I could not live without before. I find the most difficult part is seeing all the treasures of raising three boys no longer have a place. None of them want anything we have saved and yet to us they represent the amazing life we had together. I was just packing a box with photo albums and came across a photo of me holding Timothy in my arms tightly. He might have been 8 yrs old and you could see the calmness and feeling of being loved in his face. It occurred to me I would give everything I own to have boys to love and hug again. That feeling of belonging to a family and being loved is all that matters in life.
While we have made several moves with no house lined up to move into, this one feels even more disconnected. We have talked endlessly about getting an RV and traveling until we do not want to anymore. I have so many places I would like to see and revisit some I loved the first time. An RV would make traveling with our pets a cinch and so freeing to go do things while they rest in our home on wheels. Somehow tho its such a difficult and frightening purchase to make and I cant help wonder if we ever will. Maybe the window of adventurous freedom has already begun to close on us and we are living in this grey area of undecided. Maybe we are unraveling as a family and dont share the same dreams of our future together. So much unknown and so many wanting answers I do not possess. I am anxious for clarity and the next journey to begin. Its been a long time coming.
I truly need to get back to work but will keep you updated on our progress and plans. Thanks for checking in one more time!
No comments:
Post a Comment